Stretched Past Comfortable

Another confession: I am a control freak.

Like not in the must-have-everything-in-order, clean-freak type way. Like, I want everything-to-go-according-to-plan-and-there-must-be-a-plan-or-I-hyperventilate kind of way.

Yeah, yeah. It's laughable, as I think through our adoption journey, how we ended up here planting a church, and the fact I have 5 children ages 7 and under that I still have a need for control at all.  There is basically ZERO that I actually have control over. (But really perceived control is almost like actual control, right?)

Basically nothing in my "life plan" has panned out.  And for that - I am thankful - but that doesn't mean it has been easy.

Once upon a time I thought I was flexible and hospitable and able to roll with the punches.  Well, turns out that is a big fat lie and I like plans, lists, quiet, and controlled chaos more than I thought.  Please try to stifle your laughter if you know me at all.  There is no control - just chaos, some wonderful, some not - in my life.  I battle serious anxiety and fear in regards to my children and controlling their every aspect of life.  Sending them to school is terrifying because they are learning and listening to things that are beyond my scope of power.  I battle this every.single.day.  What they hear. The words they use. What they do when I can't see. How they will handle peer pressure. Who they want to be like. How they view "cool." Making good decisions.

When we moved to this city, part of the vision for planting a church involved living where we were planting.  Opening our lives and home to ministry and living our life rhythms with others as we walk our God story.  We have and are doing that and MAN it is hard for me.  So much harder than I ever thought it would be.  In my mind, I loved planning parties and having friends and I wanted my house to be "THE house" where the kids' friends would come. (I still think this is wise but it may be more related to control than anything!)  I did not know how much it would stretch me.  I suppose our house and kids have more "rules" than others (I prefer to use the word structure) and I do not apologize for that. It is what my kids need and it is what I need. So when I open my home to others who don't operate in my little need-for-control world, it is almost like I begin to panic.  The Lord is working on that in me by making me live my actual life, dangit.

There is a group of adolescent boys (and sometimes their younger siblings) that we run into often around the neighborhood.  They are polite and usually attend our outreach events.  They know Stuart by name but neither of us have met any adults in their lives.  They came to the backyard bible club a mission team came in and hosted and had a blast playing baseball with the volunteers.  They really enjoyed themselves at the crawfish boil that night and the next day they showed up on our front stoop wanting more food and more games.  We considered that a blessing - anytime someone goes out of their way to come to YOU, I am learning, that is huge.  We didn't have any leftovers at that point (us and another couple spent hours shelling every crawfish that was left to freeze the meat and I had the crawfish splinter to prove it) but Stu invited them to RC's (our church plant we moved here to start) bible study that night.  The boys said they couldn't come because the school where we meet is outside their "approved boundaries" set by their mamas.

"Okay." Stuart said. "What if one night I make some food you guys could come here and eat and we'll do bible study together at the house?"

They agreed.  He got a phone number of one of the "leaders" (you know in groups there is always one that everyone else defaults to - and in this case, he turns 13 today).

That Thursday rolled around and at the last minute he got a text they weren't going to be able to make it.

Thursday rolled around again and prayers were answered and they were coming.  And right at 5 pm, our doorbell rang and 5 boys ages 5-14 were ready for food and bible study.

Immediately, my children turned into their normal attention-starved lunatics and act like no one has every paid a bit of attention to them in their life, which is lovely. This is how it is every time there is someone around.  Which makes a ministry-filled life super exciting. And by exciting I mean it is incredibly annoying and I need to learn to laugh at it a little more. The other boys spot the xbox and want to play. Stuart is trying to finish grilling dinner and I can feel the heart palpitations begin.  I take the baby and sit in my quiet bedroom and ask God to quiet the fears that my children are going to grow up and do whatever it takes to be "cool" and get attention than what I have taught them. My honest-to-goodness thoughts at that moment. And then I take a deep breath and walk back out there.

Do you know how God showed me grace in that moment?

Most of my fears about the kids' futures surround Ella.  I think that is two-fold: she is the oldest and I have had the least amount of time pouring into her foundation, since she came into our family at age 5.  Anyway, she walked up to me as I finishing up making plates of chicken wings and corn on the cob (what else is better for a bunch of boys) and instead of joining the party and trying to get everyone to pay attention to her she said, "Mom, is there anything I can help you with?" At that moment, I could have cried.  It would not have been bad for her to be playing Just Dance with the others. That would have been fine.  My fears are pretty much irrational and I know that, but it doesn't make them go away.  It is something the Lord has to change in me. At that moment, it was like the Holy Spirit was saying, "Jenny. I see your fears. You have no need to fear when you are Mine. I am in control and I will work everything out for your good and for her good, too."

That little moment of grace allowed me to enjoy the rest of my night.  I rested in that promise, whooped the boys in Just Dance (I still hold the crown in this house), sang Happy Birthday to Carlos, had reading time and Legos with my kids while the big boys did bible study, and rested in His provision of grace for the day.

Does that mean all my fears are forever squashed? No. I have to lay these struggles down before Jesus day in and day out. I would be unwise to think that because one time God showed up and my eyes (and heart) were prepared to receive His gift of grace in that moment that I don't have to actively continue seeking Him.  The enemy would love me to be tricked to believe that I am bigger than my struggles. The world also teaches that.  But that's not true - I am not bigger or stronger than my weaknesses.  That is an incomplete statement.  I am bigger and stronger, more than a conqueror, only in Christ alone.  Abiding, dwelling, living and having my being in Christ alone is what makes me able to tap into the same strength that raised Jesus from the dead. Apart from that I am a fearful and anxious mess.