The Myth of the Rainbow Fruit Kebabs

For whatever reason, I volunteered to bring the "healthy snack" for my daughter's first grade class today, the day after Halloween.

The day after my family was throwing a Halloween block party for our neighborhood, reaching out again to let people know of our church plant.

The morning after I spent the past 48 hours dicing cooked hamburger patties, preparing 5 pots of chili, several gallons of lemonade, attended a preschool party for my 3 littles, decided to make myself a Halloween shirt, dressed my kids in costumes 3 times, walked my hilly neighborhood trick or treating with my four children, all while six months pregnant.

But look at them, aren't they cute? These and little mini pumpkin muffins were the perfect fall healthy snack, right?


If I would have posted just this picture on social media sites, all while a picture of my little maternity skeleton DIY shirt floated around (it was fun to wear that) and the news of the block party...or if this blog post ended now...what would you be tempted to think?

"Oh, I saw that on Pinterest!"
"Those are fun!"
"Man, how does she do it?"
"Where does she find the time or energy?"
"I can't believe she did that with 4 kids!"
"I wish I could do all that."
"Supermom."
"Ugh. I kinda hate her."

Okay. So let's get real.

I am a fool for volunteering to bring snack today. Just a little too much going on, ya know? I am exhausted. Like please do not make me sit down on the floor and play with my kids or read books because my back hurts too much exhausted. Yes the kebabs are cute but we ordered pizza for dinner and I actually didn't feed my littles lunch today because they ate donuts for breakfast at a friend's house and then I opened a carton of strawberries while they watched Veggie Tales while I closed my eyes during Josiah's nap. I was kind of a stressed mess during the block party because there were so many people and not enough help and my kids were just begging to go trick or treating but I couldn't leave my husband to do all the serving himself. I really got tired of them asking if they could have more candy because I knew it would just make them beasts later on. I was losing my patience with Josiah because his 3 year old selective hearing and clumsiness was just about to do this tired mama in. I was feeling discouraged that we were serving all these people chili and lemonade and cotton candy and the best candy and would they even come to bible study? Will our work and pouring out in every sense of the word ever come to fruition? And the rainbow kebabs were cute but then I felt bad when the teacher told me she had to reprimand kids for using the skewers as swords (what I was afraid of but it was easier than prepacking little cups of fruit and providing silverware).

When someone posts a cute Pinterest-y thing with their kids' latest craft or their clean house or their kids eating vegetables, where does it take you? To jealousy? To discontentment? To self-depracation? Does it make you want to pat her on the back as you realize she has different strengths and this whole mom thing is not a competition?

Because honestly, we all have some area of rainbow fruit kebabs. Something cutesy and fun and we put our best foot out there hoping someone will pat us on the back and tell us how awesome we are. Because so often we need someone else to tell us that because we don't do a good job of giving our own spirits an "atta girl." We forget that these little people were entrusted to us, that my children were entrusted to ME of all people, on purpose. God chose them for my offspring before the creation of the world. Yeah, I'm gonna botch it up. I'm going to lose my patience and have a messy house and say the wrong thing and cry in my bathroom. And yeah, I'm gonna post a picture of rainbow fruit kebabs and wait for people to tell me how cute they are so I can feel good again when really the hole in my heart needs to be filled by my Savior.

But in those moments of desiring to post the rainbow fruit kebabs, I strive to remember that there might be someone out there who sees the picture and it says more to her than "Oh, those are fun!" It might make her feel less than. Social media allows us to reveal our lives in snapshots of our choice. My life is not all rainbow fruit kebabs. Or happy well-behaved children. Or the beauty of former orphans being in a family. Yes, it is that. But it is also me yelling more often than I would like and declining to read that book right this minute and a sink full of dirty dishes and three baskets of laundry that haven't been folded in week, but now laundry day has come again. I do not want the pretty little highlights to remotely separate others from glimpsing the grace that God has spoken into my life on a daily basis. On the ways that I mess up and He draws me back to Himself each and every day. I don't want to push other people away because it appears like I have it all together. I'm an all-out mess. Ask those closest to me. I want to not be afraid to keep that mess [relatively] unhidden so I can freely admit I do not, in fact, have it all together. But I am a daughter of the One who holds the world in His very hands.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hello Third Trimester

Somehow, we are 2/3 of the way through this crazy journey called pregnancy. Holy cow. Crappola. What the heck. 

A little less than 3 months from our due date, and I am back to my major freaking out that I was doing at the very beginning. Like this thing might actually happen. 

We had an appointment this week which included the always enjoyable glucose test and a rhogam shot and an ultrasound. I have grown a lot in the past four weeks. Even though I am only 27 weeks I am measuring 33. I was headed to the perinatologist anyway so they were a little concerned. She said my fluid was on the tad side anyway but baby boy is only measuring 2 weeks ahead. The conversation turned to gestational diabetes. The perinatologist was convinced. But somehow, by the grace of God, I got a call the next day I passed. I guess right now we are just planning for a big baby?

All the Things

Chores.  Homework.  Bible teaching.  Scripture.  Heart lessons.  Healthy diet.  Giving grace.  Balance of fruit and vegetables.  Life giving words.  Reading time.  Consistent discipline. Identity formation.  Praying for them.  Praying with them.  Teaching them how to pray.  Independent skills. Bike riding.  Too much TV time.  Modeling healthy habits.  Modeling ministry and service. Money management.

These are all the things that I feel like I don't do well for my kids.  Is there any aspect of parenting left for me to succeed at?

Can any of you relate?

It's exhausting.

And in all actuality: how do I really know I am not doing these well? Most of the time it is because I have looked at someone else's life - mainly in the form of social media most likely - and said, "Welp. I don't do that.  They definitely have it more together than I do." As I heard somewhere, I am comparing their highlight reel to my outtakes.  Guess who wins that competition every single time? It's not me.

Why do I do that to myself?

I have this super awesome tendency to set absurdly high expectations for myself, which I never ever meet with perfection. So in my brain: not perfect = failure.

I do not have quite that exhaustive list of "areas for improvement" running through my brain every single day.  Sometimes I am content with where the Lord has brought me and my heart rests with the fact I know I am a work in progress and that is okay.

Then there are days like today when my kids can not clean the upstairs unless I stand there like a drill sergeant and there is marker on the carpet and no one will eat their delicious and healthy supper and they argue and use unkind voices and ALL THE THINGS.  What am I doing wrong?

Do you want me to tell you, friend, that you are not doing anything wrong?  That I'm not doing anything wrong? Sorry.  Don't think it will actually encourage you and let's be honest - it's not true.  Sometimes I get it wrong.

I am doing the best I can, most of the time.  Sometimes my best is pretty and sometimes it is u-g-l-y-you-ain't-got-no-abili-ugly. Some days I am just plain lazy and I don't give my kids 100% (or anything remotely close).  But even if I did, even if I gave the most excellent effort every minute of every day, would that guarantee a good outcome?  Would that promise my children salvation and good grades and hearts full of integrity and kind spirits and a fire for Jesus that burns inside their soul and they must share Him with the world? Would that guarantee college scholarships and no teenage pregnancies and purity until marriage and they all live happily ever after?  I think as moms we treat and talk to ourselves like it would.  Maybe it's just me.  I put all this pressure on myself to get it right at each moment and if I screw it up now then we are all doomed forever.

Good grief.

The other night, the kids were called down to dinner and Kate started her grumbling while she was still upstairs.  Just complaining. It continued as she came to the table.  "I don't like this, I don't like that...I want something else for supper..." yada yada yada.  Finally, I just said, "Kate.  All I have heard from you in the last 5 minutes has been nothing but complaining.  Why don't we think of something you DO like?" Okay...so then she started naming foods she liked.  "Okay. Those are yummy.  Now look around this table.  Why don't you pick someone and tell me something you love about them?" She went around and said something kind about each person.  She was happy to do it and then another kid wanted a turn too.  It was more about helping Kate turn her heart around from focusing on the negative and think about positive.  And of course everyone loved hearing someone else saying something nice about them.

I was texting back and forth with one of my closest friends a few days ago and we have this awesome relationship where we can be 100% real and authentic and there is no judging that happens.  No fluffy answers or cliche advice.  Just genuine love and transparency and Truth.  We have both been struggling in similar ways with our motherhood self-talk and we decided we had spent a lot of time naming all the ways we were failing and what if we said something we did well recently as a reminder that we are not complete failures? It was nice to toot our own horn for a second.  (She then asked me, "Can we do this everyday?!")

Sometimes the knowledge my brain has and the talk that comes from my heart don't match up. I'm sure none of you can relate. (wink, wink) But when I let the real truth seep in and take up residence, I am reminded that God is the One who reigns supreme over my children. Not me and all my good effort or massive screw-ups or achievements or failures.  Am I one to say that His grace is sufficient for all things - except in the area of my parenting? I talk to myself like I believe that sometimes.  His grace is more than enough to cover all my shortcomings.  Parenting is sanctification if it is anything at all - a transforming process to remove sin and filth to make me more like Christ.  I can do my best to lead my children to a life-giving relationship with their heavenly Father but His spirit is the one who will ultimately awaken them to walk with Him.  He is sovereign over their past, present, and future.  Not me.  No matter how hard I work.

I can rest there.

Feeling Baby Brother's Kicks

These two had fun little responses to feeling their baby brother kick:

Now I need to get a pic of the other two feeling little man kick to complete the collection. He is a kicker and mover and shaker for sure. Way more than Kate and spencer ever did when they were in my belly at any point. That is preparing our newest addition nicely to fit right in to our family dance parties. 

Silence is...Golden? Eh.

Any of you familiar with God's silence?

You know.  You pray and pray and ask and maybe even shed tears on something.  What you ask for seems good, even in line with Scripture.  You read all these verses about how if you ask you will receive.  He promises to do it. Yada yada yada.

And yet...nothing.

I don't get it.

What does it say to you when someone is silent? I know for me, it equates apathy or judgment. My precious husband and I communicate very differently sometimes. (SURPRISE!) I'm an all-out, process out loud, feel everything kind of gal. He is a WAY more even-keeled, taking it all in, think it over type of guy.  So when I'm feeling all my feelings all over the place (which I like to call emotional vomit) and then he doesn't say anything...I just about lose my ever-loving mind.

Can't you say SOMETHING?! Did you even hear me? HELLLLLOOOOOOO??  And then the self-talk starts.  Oh, Jenny. You've said too much. You sound crazy. You've gone off the deep end. He thinks you are past repair.

And I lovingly say some passive-regressive remark under my breath (classy, I know) and he so patiently responds, "Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?!"

Oops.

I tend to equate the same response with God.  I beg, I cry, I weep. I plead and remind God of all His promises that in fact HE made in His word....in writing, mind you!  But when He chooses to remain silent, I assume that means that I am wrong. Or He doesn't care. Or He is too busy to hear me. Or even, when it gets really bad, that I am not actually His to begin with. Because...wouldn't He act on behalf of His children?

This morning, Ella was getting her shoes on as she got ready for school. She is a recent shoe-tying learner, as that was part of the deal when picking out new school shoes.  If she wanted shoes with laces, she was going to have to learn how to tie them herself.  And she did.  She did well the first few weeks of school, so proud of herself that she could put her own shoes on and tie them up. But here in the past week or so, I can see the frustration creeping in when she messes up the first time. She has been increasingly asking for help on a more regular basis. Today, she was getting exasperated and I could have just stepped in.  I didn't. I didn't say anything. (She didn't ask for help, but rather sighed some heavy sigh.) I knew she was wanting me to do it for her.  But she tried one more time, and alas, tied her own shoe.

What would it have communicated if I would have done it for her, yet again? Sure, it's easier for her and takes less time to get out the door if I just do it. But what would she learn? What would she most likely do the next time she messes up?

Is God able to do anything? Sure.  His character shows me that He is caring, loving, kind, and sovereign. So when He is silent, it is important for me to remember it is not because He isn't listening or doesn't care. No matter what my feelings may tell me. It may be because there is something to be learned, a way to make me stronger.  That in fact, in His sovereignty, He knows exactly what He is doing because He sees the entire picture.  Guess what? I can not.

This past year has been one of just that.  Lots and lots of silence and waiting. Waiting on a promise. Waiting on a word of encouragement. Waiting on a victory. Waiting on healing. Waiting on attachment. Waiting on kindness. Waiting on fruit in ministry. Waiting on friendships. Waiting on peace.  I have begged and begged and begged some more for the Lord to give me these things.  All of which I have found consistent with His promises in the Bible.  I have prayed His own word back to Him so many times when I do not have any words left. And yet, He often has chosen to be silent.  It is not a season of answers for me, and perhaps it is not for you either. I may not know or understand why I have to wait or learn in this way (I would choose otherwise!) or why it seems He is holding out. But I know my Lord's character, and I know He loves me.  I'm a parent, so I know that there are plenty of times that I do things for my children they make not agree with or like or understand. But I do it out of love and because I'm grown up and know better.  I encourage them to trust me; I am their mother and I love them.  How often does God spur me to on to believe the same thing about Him?

One Year Anniversary

One year ago, we said good bye to our church, our job, our friends, our home, our city, our state.

We loaded our four children in the car and headed south. We had only been home with Ella and Josiah from the DR Congo for 26 days. Ella had a stomach virus all weekend while we were in the midst of moving and farewell receptions. (That was really awesome.)

We moved to a place where we knew no one but each other. And we barely had that.

Tonight, one year later, my husband was at a sermon planning meeting with our partner church, where he has preached for the past two weeks. I picked up Ella from school where she told me all about the elaborate fairy game she played with her friends on the playground. She informed me of yet another kid who wants to have a play date with her. I carried a plate of biscuits to a neighbor's house for dinner where he fried fresh catfish he caught over the weekend. He had my family and another neighbor over last minute (I may or may not have basically invited us both over as we all picked up our kids from school today). There were 3 adults and 8 kids (ages 3-9). I sat and talked school, race, disabilities, relationships with these two new friends. I even sacrificed 30 minutes of bedtime and the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. :) Then I came home, put my happy kids to bed, and felt our fifth and newest blessing kicking and squirming inside my belly.

My oh my how much things can change in a year.

There are still so many days when I am terribly lonely. Aching for my friends back home, wondering if those deep life-on-life relationships with other believers will ever come here in my new city. There are days when I look at my kids and wonder when the swelling, overwhelming affection will take me over the same for all of them. There are days when I wonder if we will ever feel cohesive, normal.

And then I see God in days like today. Anniversaries of various events really mean something to me- I like dates. When I realize 9-16-12 vs. 9-16-13 I must stop and thank God for His faithfulness. For His provision in the easy and hard times. When things seem to flow well and moving here and ministry seem fruitful and make sense. And those times when the pit is so deep and I think my treading water is bound to give out at any moment.

So often, we don't see God moving in huge ways all at once. He removes barriers, builds relationships, redeems brokenness, answers prayer, heals hurt little by little. And if we are not careful to recount His faithfulness in the smallest of things that may even seem ordinary or coincidental,we may not realize one day He has in fact done something huge.

A lot can change in a year.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Some Suggestions

Around the dinner table tonight, the kids had some suggestions for their newest baby brother's name. These suggestions include:

Tiny Bear

Jack (this one was actually on our short list)

Jackie

Applesauce

Ketchup

Mustard

Macaroni

Diaper (can't have a conversation without "diaper," "stinky diaper," or "underwear" somehow- please tell me that's not just my kids)

As much as I love these strong and meaningful names, and as hard as I laughed watching them crack themselves up...I'm also glad we aren't leaving the naming to our 6, 4, & 3 year olds. 

My naming geniuses: