Silence is...Golden? Eh.

Any of you familiar with God's silence?

You know.  You pray and pray and ask and maybe even shed tears on something.  What you ask for seems good, even in line with Scripture.  You read all these verses about how if you ask you will receive.  He promises to do it. Yada yada yada.

And yet...nothing.

I don't get it.

What does it say to you when someone is silent? I know for me, it equates apathy or judgment. My precious husband and I communicate very differently sometimes. (SURPRISE!) I'm an all-out, process out loud, feel everything kind of gal. He is a WAY more even-keeled, taking it all in, think it over type of guy.  So when I'm feeling all my feelings all over the place (which I like to call emotional vomit) and then he doesn't say anything...I just about lose my ever-loving mind.

Can't you say SOMETHING?! Did you even hear me? HELLLLLOOOOOOO??  And then the self-talk starts.  Oh, Jenny. You've said too much. You sound crazy. You've gone off the deep end. He thinks you are past repair.

And I lovingly say some passive-regressive remark under my breath (classy, I know) and he so patiently responds, "Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?!"

Oops.

I tend to equate the same response with God.  I beg, I cry, I weep. I plead and remind God of all His promises that in fact HE made in His word....in writing, mind you!  But when He chooses to remain silent, I assume that means that I am wrong. Or He doesn't care. Or He is too busy to hear me. Or even, when it gets really bad, that I am not actually His to begin with. Because...wouldn't He act on behalf of His children?

This morning, Ella was getting her shoes on as she got ready for school. She is a recent shoe-tying learner, as that was part of the deal when picking out new school shoes.  If she wanted shoes with laces, she was going to have to learn how to tie them herself.  And she did.  She did well the first few weeks of school, so proud of herself that she could put her own shoes on and tie them up. But here in the past week or so, I can see the frustration creeping in when she messes up the first time. She has been increasingly asking for help on a more regular basis. Today, she was getting exasperated and I could have just stepped in.  I didn't. I didn't say anything. (She didn't ask for help, but rather sighed some heavy sigh.) I knew she was wanting me to do it for her.  But she tried one more time, and alas, tied her own shoe.

What would it have communicated if I would have done it for her, yet again? Sure, it's easier for her and takes less time to get out the door if I just do it. But what would she learn? What would she most likely do the next time she messes up?

Is God able to do anything? Sure.  His character shows me that He is caring, loving, kind, and sovereign. So when He is silent, it is important for me to remember it is not because He isn't listening or doesn't care. No matter what my feelings may tell me. It may be because there is something to be learned, a way to make me stronger.  That in fact, in His sovereignty, He knows exactly what He is doing because He sees the entire picture.  Guess what? I can not.

This past year has been one of just that.  Lots and lots of silence and waiting. Waiting on a promise. Waiting on a word of encouragement. Waiting on a victory. Waiting on healing. Waiting on attachment. Waiting on kindness. Waiting on fruit in ministry. Waiting on friendships. Waiting on peace.  I have begged and begged and begged some more for the Lord to give me these things.  All of which I have found consistent with His promises in the Bible.  I have prayed His own word back to Him so many times when I do not have any words left. And yet, He often has chosen to be silent.  It is not a season of answers for me, and perhaps it is not for you either. I may not know or understand why I have to wait or learn in this way (I would choose otherwise!) or why it seems He is holding out. But I know my Lord's character, and I know He loves me.  I'm a parent, so I know that there are plenty of times that I do things for my children they make not agree with or like or understand. But I do it out of love and because I'm grown up and know better.  I encourage them to trust me; I am their mother and I love them.  How often does God spur me to on to believe the same thing about Him?