Bittersweet

Five years ago, I was a brand new mama. My newborn twins were a dream come true, but my dream did not include special needs of any kind at all. So when my baby boy was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, that was uncharted territory. That was not part of the plan.

Well, you know how it goes. You figure it out. We figured it and did the best we could. That is what we are all doing. It was surprising to me when we met with the plastic surgeon when Spencer was only a few weeks old that he would have his first surgery at three months of age to repair his lip. But we pulled up our bootstraps and focused on getting some weight on him.

Surgery day came. The waiting room was full. All three sets of grandparents were there, passing babies around as they got agitated. We were anxious, excited. Ready, or so we thought. The emotion of the day got lost in keeping a hungry Spencer happy when surgery was pushed back two hours and he couldn't eat.

Handing my baby off to a stranger as they took him to the OR was hard, to say the least. We passed off a sleeping baby and watched him walk away in someone else's arms, not thinking about how that was the last time we would see the face we knew.

We headed back to the waiting room, a little relieved we didn't have to let a starving baby suck on our fingers anymore to hold him at bay. Our families were there waiting, so we had some good visiting time and sweet solo time with Kate, who was a rockstar baby all day. The OR would call with updates and we knew Spencer was doing well.

Finally, around 8 pm that night, we were able to go see our son in recovery. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to see how the surgeon crafted my baby's lip. We walked in, and my heart sank. That baby in that bed, who is that? That does not look like my son. He cried. I don't recognize that cry.

What? I didn't expect these emotions.

He opened his eyes. Oh yes, there he is. I know him.

I held this 11 pound baby in my arms, gently kissing his puffy cheeks. He was so handsome, so strong and brave, but he didn't look like Spencer. Oh, I was so sad. I missed the wide cleft smile that I knew. I never thought I would miss that smile; I only thought I would be relieved and happy for him to look more "normal." Oh, how I missed out on cherishing my cleft cutie's for what it was when it was. I wasn't prepared for missing the "before." That itty bitty baby is now 5 years old. Of course, I am smitten with my handsome and strong and brave boy and his smile. It was the initial heartache I wasn't anticipating. The sadness I would feel when I realized my boy's first smile was gone.

Fast forward a little bit of time, and we are again on the eve of another precious three month old having lip repair. I am fluctuating through much different emotions this time because I remember that sadness. I am appreciating Ben's first smile and I will cherish his second smile as well. I am allowing myself to be sad, to soak up that wide smile as much as I can.

Soak in with me, will you?

















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad