Need. Sleep.

Oh, my sweet, little, precious baby Ben.

I love you. You are strong and brave for going through your lip repair surgery.

But can you give your mama and daddy some rest? Please?

You are cute. But could you save your cuteness until morning? I will enjoy so much more during daylight hours.

Speaking of daylight, let's try napping longer than 45 minutes, okay? Just try it. I think you will find it quite enjoyable and it will make you feel so much better in general if you will do a little more of that sleeping thing.

AND not only will you feel better, but your parents will be better parents! Which means your brothers and sisters will reap the benefits as well!

See how much good you could do!

So little, yet you HOLD SO MUCH POWER.

On a more serious note, (Wait...I am so serious. I do wish Ben would sleep a little bit more day and night because I am dog tired) we are 8 days post op from lip repair. I remember recovery being hard with Spencer but I don't really remember specifically the worst part. Eating? Not knowing if he was in pain and how to treat? How messed up sleep was?

But yep. Recovery is still hard. He is weaning from his prescription pain meds but sleeping is going down the tube. Like every day it is getting a little worse where he only wants to sleep being held. I have heard this is common- clinginess post surgery even for the itty bitty ones.

Seriously, though, can you pray for some rest? I do not function well on night after night of little sleep. And there is no time for rest during the day...especially when he is only sleeping 45 minutes. And the crying...goodness. Something about him crying physically stresses me out. And then four other little voices are trying to ask me a question or get me to do something and my brain feels like it is leaking out of my ears.

I know this will only last a few weeks. But sometimes i am not sure I will make it a few weeks of little sleep and lots of crying. A little over dramatic? Yes. But I am tired. I am not responsible for the exaggerations I utter.

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Bittersweet

Five years ago, I was a brand new mama. My newborn twins were a dream come true, but my dream did not include special needs of any kind at all. So when my baby boy was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, that was uncharted territory. That was not part of the plan.

Well, you know how it goes. You figure it out. We figured it and did the best we could. That is what we are all doing. It was surprising to me when we met with the plastic surgeon when Spencer was only a few weeks old that he would have his first surgery at three months of age to repair his lip. But we pulled up our bootstraps and focused on getting some weight on him.

Surgery day came. The waiting room was full. All three sets of grandparents were there, passing babies around as they got agitated. We were anxious, excited. Ready, or so we thought. The emotion of the day got lost in keeping a hungry Spencer happy when surgery was pushed back two hours and he couldn't eat.

Handing my baby off to a stranger as they took him to the OR was hard, to say the least. We passed off a sleeping baby and watched him walk away in someone else's arms, not thinking about how that was the last time we would see the face we knew.

We headed back to the waiting room, a little relieved we didn't have to let a starving baby suck on our fingers anymore to hold him at bay. Our families were there waiting, so we had some good visiting time and sweet solo time with Kate, who was a rockstar baby all day. The OR would call with updates and we knew Spencer was doing well.

Finally, around 8 pm that night, we were able to go see our son in recovery. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to see how the surgeon crafted my baby's lip. We walked in, and my heart sank. That baby in that bed, who is that? That does not look like my son. He cried. I don't recognize that cry.

What? I didn't expect these emotions.

He opened his eyes. Oh yes, there he is. I know him.

I held this 11 pound baby in my arms, gently kissing his puffy cheeks. He was so handsome, so strong and brave, but he didn't look like Spencer. Oh, I was so sad. I missed the wide cleft smile that I knew. I never thought I would miss that smile; I only thought I would be relieved and happy for him to look more "normal." Oh, how I missed out on cherishing my cleft cutie's for what it was when it was. I wasn't prepared for missing the "before." That itty bitty baby is now 5 years old. Of course, I am smitten with my handsome and strong and brave boy and his smile. It was the initial heartache I wasn't anticipating. The sadness I would feel when I realized my boy's first smile was gone.

Fast forward a little bit of time, and we are again on the eve of another precious three month old having lip repair. I am fluctuating through much different emotions this time because I remember that sadness. I am appreciating Ben's first smile and I will cherish his second smile as well. I am allowing myself to be sad, to soak up that wide smile as much as I can.

Soak in with me, will you?

















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You Gotta Have People

This past weekend we headed back to Kentucky for a few days. We moved away over a year and a half ago, but we still have family and friends in our town where we moved from. There was a missional community one day conference nearby and Spencer had a post-op appointment with his surgeon. Instead of making that 4 hour drive twice, we took advantage of the fact it was spring break for the kids and packed us all up and moved in for five days with my sister in law.

Thanks to the flexibility of my husband's new job (this is new territory for us) we had more time than we usually do. And man, did we take advantage of it! Every day we visited with two or three sets of people. My dad drove two hours to join us for dinner. We filled our brains with encouragement and direction about church-planting strategy. We hugged family. We went to our home church. We flaunted our cute baby all over town. :) The kids were exhausted, to say the least. But both Stuart and I got some real time with many of our people.

Y'all. Do you know what I am talking about when I say "my people?" Do you have any?

God truly blessed me with some amazing people in that town. I do not know how to adequately put words to the blessing that is having people. There are a handful of women that require no pretense. I can be me. And honestly, since moving, I have lost sight of who that really is.

Some do not even have a person. But I have more than one.

Some of my people get me because they too have twins. (In case you didn't realize, that is a unique trademark.) Some have big families and I can pick their brains. Some have adopted (okay several of my people have or are in the process of adopting!) and that, too, is a unique parenting trademark. Maybe their husbands are in ministry. Maybe we share a fierce love of our Savior. Maybe we are just flat out alike. We are family. There are lots of things that connect me with my people.

But good gracious alive, it feels GOOD to sit around a table, on the floor, outside with our kids, on their couch watching shows, stand in their kitchen with a woman my heart is connected to. Does that sound cheesy? I don't really care.

We share a sarcastic joke. We discipline each other's kids. We ask for godly wisdom. We reveal a deep sin or struggle. We prepare food. We try to talk each other into something we would never do alone. We eat junk food. We laugh at our own ridiculousness. We catch up on the mundane of life.

This new city is my home. God confirms that every time we go. But my heart misses my people in the flesh and blood. The real life.

Thank you Lord, for my people.

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Baby update: 3 months

I never did these monthly updates when Kate and Spencer were babies. Honestly it did not even cross my mind. The first year was a matter of survival, and I hardly remember anything about the first six months. So with Ben my brain is even more mushy and I want to remember these things with this baby. 

So, Ben is three months old today! I feel like he was just born. I definitely do not feel like I have found a groove yet. I am just making it through each day...and night. One day I will sleep more than 4 hours at a time. And I will learn to go to bed earlier. 

In his third month of life Ben:

Weighs about 14 lbs and about 24 inches long

Can still fit into some 3 months but we have pulled out 3-6 months too

Laughed his first laugh on 4/14 and did it once and it was the cutest thing ever but hasn't done it again

Still wakes once in the night 

Is generally pretty happy 

Naps 45 minutes to the minute. Boo.  

Stayed with someone other than mommy and daddy ( it was aunt Mimi, aunt Sarah, uncle Winston)

Found his hands and holds them high kb the air. 

Traveled on his first trip to KY. He did awesome in the car and overall did great sleeping and being on the go. He met his great-grandparents, one grandmother, and saw lots of family and many many friends 

He is the most loved baby on the planet I believe!

Only a few more days of my wide-smiled cleft baby! His lip repair is scheduled for next week. 

Right Now

Psalm 94:18-19

When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. 

These are two verses I stumbled upon at the close of my quiet time today. Wow. Is this ever speaking to me today as we just wrapped up the hardest month in a very long time. There were many times here recently that I cried out, "My foot is slipping! I am losing grip! This is all too much!" but His steadfast, unfailing, forever-reaching love held me tight. 

Right now, what is the Holy Spirit teaching you? What are you needing to reminded of? Where do you need to see Him work?