The Illusive Chase of Balance

I was reading back over some old journal entries this afternoon while I was being Mom of the Year. Ella was getting her hair done (3 hours of her sitting in a chair) and so the movies on Netflix were free flowing. My other 3 rugrats are happy to cash in on multiple hours of straight tv whenever they can. I ordered pizza for dinner (she can eat while sitting in the hair chair) and I had already loaded the dishwasher, made lunches for tomorrow (instead of at 7:30 tomorrow morning), spent my MIL's money on kohls.com, and texted my friends. #boom All that productivity is way out of character for me.

One day last October I wrote about how I was feeling "more balanced" with all the recent changes in my life and I let my guard down and then immediately found myself frustrated and struggling with a common issue with one of the kids. What was wrong with me?

It is downright depressing to read back over the last 15 months of journaling. What a dark, hard, struggling year it has been. A lot of it has been in a very dark place. But every once in a while, I read over it to remind me of how far God has brought me. How He has ever so graciously drawn me gently to Himself. When I am discouraged and feeling like I will never ever learn my lesson, I can look back and see, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW. You are working in my life. You are indeed changing me. From the inside out. Perhaps I am not a lost cause after all.

So what about this balance? It's a joke. We all have titles, jobs, roles that are on us. And so often we read/hear/preach about finding that balance we as try to be married/work/keep our house clean/exercise/parent youngins/have friends/have a hobby/read our Bible/serve at church/invest in our neighbors/keep a good attitude/eat healthy/get adequate sleep.

Who in the world can BALANCE all that? I know I can't. And then, when I am exhausted of trying to do it all so well and I'm failing at it, it's like IF ONLY I COULD FIND SOME BALANCE.

Hogwash.

You know what I need my scales to be tipped dramatically in the direction of? An intimate walk with Jesus. Seriously. Not trying to be religious here. All that other stuff is great. Man, do I know that a night out with some friends and sleeping enough at night and a house free of clutter can do some good things for me. But it doesn't actually fix anything. You know what actually soothes my tired soul? Knowing that I don't have to work to be loved and accepted. Promises of truth to focus on when my feelings are all jacked up.

I want not equal balance of Christ and this world, but all Christ. Chasing Him whole-heartedly as He fills in the gaps of the rest. Because there will always be gaps.


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