Life with a newborn: 2 weeks old

Well, we have made it two weeks. 

What can I say about this little man? I have forgotten what work a little baby is. I have forgotten how quick the routine is....he eats, he is up for a little bit, he sleeps. Once I get a second to just breathe, it's time to eat again. I also have forgotten how sweet it is to have a precious baby snuggled up in your neck and that sweet clean little baby smell. The way they grip your fingers and make sweet little sounds (I'm not talking about the screaming here). 

Ben is doing well. We have switched from using the Haberman feeder to the pigeon nipple (more on that in another post. I plan to do another feeding update after we meet with the feeding clinic next week). He is pretty consistently eating every 3 hours. We haven't confirmed it yet but think he is dealing with silent reflux. That is making sleeping a challenge. But it is definitely better now than it was last week - when he screamed for hours on end in the middle of the night. That wasn't fun. 

He is loved around here. His big brothers and sisters are constantly asking to hold and touch him. Rousing choruses of "Twinkle twinkle little star" and the alphabet and "Angels we have heard on high" can be heard in 4 big kid voices if he starts to cry. Spencer is enthralled by his pinky finger. Ella loves to see what he's looking at. Kate just wants to kiss him all over.  Josiah continuously says, "Aw, mommy. Baby Ben cute!"

We have been so fortunate to have family with us for the past two weeks. Stuart's parents were here for a week and my mom was here this week. Friends in our city are taking care of meals for a little bit. We are blessed for sure. It seriously does take a village!

Ben has been out of the house a handful of times. He went with me first to get my staples taken out. Then another day we went to the hospital to have his hearing test redone (passed this time, go Ben!). Today Mom and I took the kids to chick-fil-a to play and eat. We were on the third snow day so it was dire we get out of the house. So I survived my first outing with all 5 kids ....and 5 blasted car seats. My (almost) 7 year old is a HUGE help!

All I can do is take it one day at a time! Apparently Ella is worried that once my mom leaves there will be no one to help me...she has said something to Stuart twice now. "But who will help mommy?!" I guess at some point my feet will have to hit the ground in full gear and figure out this new normal!

Before I Go

I am eating one more snack pack chocolate pudding before I go. These have been a very enjoyable treat for me these last 3 days.

Because I am taking this little man somewhere today. 

Time to go HOME!!

Feeding: the first 48 hours

One of the biggest challenges with having a baby with cleft lip and palate is initially establishing a good feeding routine. While we have known about Ben's cleft lip for the last 20 weeks, we have not been sure about his palate. That is the difference between being able to nurse and not. As soon as he was born (and came screaming healthily into the world) we were able to see his palate was indeed cleft as well. (FYI- cleft means gap, or open)

Although I was not able to nurse Spencer, they were my only children at the time they were born so I was able to pump for both twins for the first 8 months of their life (until I returned to work and couldn't keep my supply adequate). I am not sure what it will look like this time around, since I have 4 other children at home and not really sure how I can pump around the clock. But we will address that when it gets here. 

In Ben's first 12 hours, lactation told me that he was fine with drops of colostrum (protein-rich first breast milk) that I hand expressed and put in his mouth with my finger. It is absorbed through mucas membranes so anything I could get in there would be good. I also put him to the breast and allowed him to try and eat, which man he did! He tried. I would hand express for him to encourage sucking, and he would and was comforted in that way. It is just that he couldn't create the suction he needed to be his primary form of food. They checked his blood sugar after every feeding for the first 12 hours and as long as he was fine, we were good to do that. So we did. After the first 12 hours I added pumping to my feeding regime and my colostrum production slowed way down. So we had to supplement with formula (given through syringe at this point, 3 mL at a time) because my body is not yet producing enough for him. I struggled with this at every feeding - not because I am against formula, but because I could feel myself grieving his cleft all over again. Just the weariness of this road that I am familiar with. 

In his second 24 hours of life, I have pumped every 3 hours (after every feeding) and given him whatever I can get, which his amount is increasing and I'm still not making much - like only drops after a 15 minute pumping session. But I know that it takes days for milk to come in and I am doing all I can for him. In the meantime, his belly is full and satisfied with formula. Later this morning we tried the Haberman feeder for the first time after feeding him by syringe for the first 30 hours or so. We have another bottle we can try that some cleft babies like called the Pigeon valve, but Spencer had great success with the Haberman and we are used to it so we thought we would start here and see how Ben did. 

Daddy introducing Ben to the Haberman for the first time!

The Haberman is a special-needs feeder that attaches to a regular bottle and is long. It allows the baby to experience some suckling reward (getting milk) as the person feeding squeezes and helps that along. Ben took to it right away and is consistently eating a full amount each time. 

Feeding right now looks like starting out with a syringe of mommy's milk (now starting to transition from colostrum) from my last pumping, finishing off a meal with formula with a haberman, and then I pump to be ready for the next time he is ready to eat. It takes a while...but I know it will get better. He will get more efficient at eating and needless to say, it doesn't take as long as when Spencer was learning the Haberman and there was another baby to feed as well. (Those early on feedings with the twins took f-o-r-e-v-e-r!) 

A closer look at Ben eating from the Haberman:

There are 3 lines on there to help control flow rate depending on baby's success. He is doing well on medium flow already - able to pull the milk out himself and it's not coming too fast it chokes him. 

He is doing great. His weight loss is small and steady (babies always lose weight in the hospital) and he is pretty content between feedings. He is doing exactly what he is supposed to. I am hopeful that my milk production will come in quickly and I will be able to pump for him while I have the opportunity to do it. After my help leaves in a couple weeks I don't know what feeding will look like, so I'm taking it a day at a time !

Children are a Blessing

We are happy to announce that we welcomed our fifth baby blessing yesterday. Ben was born at 8 lbs 15 oz,  20.5 inches yesterday morning. He was born with a unilateral cleft lip and palate.

He is pinky and squishy and healthy. We are figuring out feedings, which is hard for me. I get discouraged very easily. He is unable to nurse because of his cleft palate. They compared it to sucking on a straw with a bunch of holes. But my husband is patient and supportive, we are working with lactation and speech pathology, and of course this is in general a familiar road for us. 

His siblings are insanely smitten and came yesterday bearing birthday cards and lots of advice on how to get him to stop crying :)

Thank you for rejoicing and celebrating with us as we start this new chapter. 

Welcome, baby Ben.

The Night Before

My bag is packed. We leave for the hospital in 7 hours to meet our fifth baby blessing. 

It's time for a new chapter to start in our lives. 

Thankful. Humbled. Excited. Anxious. 

And scared out of my ever loving mind. 

Last week in iPhone photos

Just a little recap...

It was hair day. Girl's hair is growing! (This is blown out before braids)

We let the kids stay up and watch part of the national championship football game. It was too bad for the outcome but we loved cheering on Auburn and eating popcorn!

Spencer got his second set of tubes in this week and was anxious about the anesthesia. They gave him some meds to calm his nerves and it made him a loopy hilarious mess. 

Working on the splits. Kate requested i do it too but at 38 weeks pregnant (okay, anytime) it just ain't happening. 

I was missing some of our friends in KY last week. I really wanted a haircut but I only wanted Bethany. I just wanted to be with her. So her and her husband and her two adorable kiddos made a surprise trip down this weekend. Talk about good for my soul! Manicure, pedicure, haircuts for me and Kate both (Kate begged), eating around the table, Starbucks, loving on her kiddos, watching our kids play together,  the daddies got a man date to the movies, ice cream, good conversation....my heart is full. 

We let the kids spend their Christmas gift cards to pick something before baby makes his arrival later this week. It was hilarious taking them to Walmart. They never go. They were amazed that a store could have toys, groceries, clothes, and a canoe hanging from the ceiling. Yes, it is pretty wild. Haha!

Kate and spencer working on her new Lego kit she picked out. And she's wearing an Elsa dress from the movie Frozen. 

Our week also included a "cold day" off school (what is that?!?), an ultrasound to check on baby's size, a celebratory lunch with my atlanta friends, our heat going out and being fixed at 9 pm.

At the end of this week we welcome baby #5! 

A Birthday Letter for the 5 Year Olds

Dear Kate and Spencer,

You are five now.  I feel like each birthday I say this (well, because I do) but HOW HOW HOW did this happen? Five seems so big.  School age.  This has been a big year for you both and I am loving watching you grow and develop into little people.  I really enjoy writing these letters because it allows me to go back and see exactly what has happened in the past year.  I am with you every day so I can lose perspective sometimes.

We celebrated your birthday a few weeks ago with a party.  This is really your first birthday party that you had an opinion about.  I let you choose the guest list and your own cake flavors.  Spencer, you picked a chocolate cake with white frosting, strawberries around the side, and blue words that said "Happy Birthday Spencer and Kate, I love you, Amen." Kate, you wanted pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting (that is also my favorite). I was happy to oblige.

Spencer, what a year for you.  What a hilarious little boy you are growing into.  I often say you are such a charmer!  Yesterday, with your little sick eyes, you told me "You are more beautiful than diamonds in the sky." Which makes me laugh. At bed you will say things like "I love you more than chocolate.  More than dinosaurs." And then I cry because I think my heart might burst. You have never met a stranger; you have this unique ability to make conversation with anyone - kid or grown up.  You are like your Pa in that way - he also can talk to anyone.  You love animals of all kinds and I have joked that you are really our "in" for our ministry here in this city.  There are more dogs than kids in our neighborhood so you just walk up to anyone and talk to them about their dog.  So when I follow you I am also able to talk to them.  So thanks for that. :)

You were really into dinosaurs for the first half of your fifth year of life.  And by "into" I mean by typical- Spencer fashion, you poured yourself into it.  We checked out every book at the library (non-fiction, of course), watched every documentary on Netflix, played with dinosaur toys and figures, read books, had flashcards....When people that love you know you are into something, you tend to get a lot of things associated with that. You are an information magnet - you soak it all in and then basically know more than adults on that topic.  This was no different.  You are so smart.  And then, just as the ocean phase, it started wearing off when there was no new info to be found.  You still love the "dinosaur museum" (the natural history museum here) but you love exploring new things as well.  Your current interest has to do with sports and wrestling/fighting/ninjas. Anything that involves hitting something.  But don't be fooled - you are not aggressive or mean really.  You are an incredibly sensitive little boy who still loves his mommy snuggles.  That has never changed.  And I'm okay with that.

You also learned this year how to write your name and you started school.  You go 2 days a week right now and it's been great.  You are learning how to socialize outside our family and finding a way to make friends that aren't your sisters (sometimes you have a hard time fitting in with them because they like to play their own way that is usually different than yours...) But Josiah is growing up and changing and your interests are lining up more with his...he is a more suitable wrestling partner today than he was six months ago.  In fact, right as I am typing this, you and Josiah are wrestling.  Which usually ends up with one of you crying because it went a step too far.  Boys. And Ella will wrestle you when you are in the mood and right now she gets you every time  which makes you crack up.  When you wrestle Daddy you often say, "Is that all you got?" Then Daddy really gets you.  You are insanely ticklish - especially under your arms.

You are very excited to have a baby brother, due to arrive in a few weeks.  You love to feel him kick and move around and have requested several times for him to sleep in your room.  I tried to explain that babies wake a lot during the night and I wouldn't want him to wake you.  You said, "But what if he wakes you up?!" So thoughtful. I explained that was part of my job as his mommy. You said you have a lot to teach him.

This year you also had your fifth surgery.  It was tough.  We were in the hospital for 5 days and your brother and sisters were at Aunt Mimi's house an hour away.  You were in pain and your activity was very limited - no running, roughhousing, wrestling, balls....It made you so frustrated.  We had to limit your activity as much as possible for 3 months.  For a 4 year old boy IT WAS SO HARD.  We did the best we could. But as always, you are an incredibly strong kid who is so resilient.  God has given me and Daddy so much in you.  Every day I look at you and my heart can not help but swell because you are hiliarous, and sweet, and caring.  You love big and are very rational. Which I totally get because it's me too.  It frustrates you when things don't go according to how they "should." Which some of your siblings march to their own drummer beat....and it makes you crazy.  You start kindergarten in August this year and you are ready and excited. I love being your mommy. Gosh, I love it.

Kate. Oh my sweet girl, how do I start with you?  First of all, you are like my little carbon coby.  It's frustrating and hilarious all at the same time.  You have a temper of a firecracker and laugh at yourself for the smallest reasons.  Man, is that me!!! You are a sweet little girl who likes for everyone else to follow the rules and you like to be the one to remind them when they step out of line. But you would rather do what you want to do when you want to do it.  Power struggle, hello!

You also are very girly! You change your clothes approximately 10 times a day and you love Barbies, my little ponies, coloring, drawing, and you are bound and determined to learn to read.  Which you ask me to teach you at 8 pm at night when we are getting ready for bed! And I have to say, "Um, I can not teach you to read at bedtime. But we can read this book together." You love, love, love Ella. Oh gosh. You want everything she has.  Which usually involves you yelling at her and she has grown into such a patient sister with you when you start throwing a fit because the one Barbie dress she has and you must have at this moment just because she has it.  You all still sometimes play "Ella" which means she gets to be the mom and you are Ella and wear her clothes.  It is so sweet to watch you two together.

Gosh, I love you. You are a piece of myself walking around in this world.  It is painful and exhiliarting to watch. Because when you start yelling in frustration, I so get it.  You have learned you are to yell into your pillow and I think you feel empowered that you  have a safe place to yell when you just have to get it out. I love how you say "Excuse me," to grown ups when you want to tell them something.  I also find it hilarious a few weeks ago I went to pick you up from preschool and I was informed you told everyone to call you Kathleen.  When I had never heard that request from you before.  But later on you said I could still call you Kate if I wanted.  You have informed me you want lots of kids, some to come from your belly and some to come from countries.  I find it encouraging that you are still part of a big family and you still want a big family. I hope it's always that way. :)

Your coloring skills and letter writing has gone from basically nothing to awesome in a year! You love playing tic-tac-toe and playing half of a board game.  Haha! You are funny and smart and creative and spirited and passionate and sensitive.


I can't believe you are 5. I can't believe I am sending you to kindergarten in six months. I can't believe how much God has taught me through your lives. It is humbling and messy and beautiful and I get it wrong so often. But yet, He has given both of you these sweet and gracious hearts that forgive me over and over. It reflects Jesus to me in ways I pray you will understand years down the road. I love you.

Happy Birthday.

Mama

The Illusive Chase of Balance

I was reading back over some old journal entries this afternoon while I was being Mom of the Year. Ella was getting her hair done (3 hours of her sitting in a chair) and so the movies on Netflix were free flowing. My other 3 rugrats are happy to cash in on multiple hours of straight tv whenever they can. I ordered pizza for dinner (she can eat while sitting in the hair chair) and I had already loaded the dishwasher, made lunches for tomorrow (instead of at 7:30 tomorrow morning), spent my MIL's money on kohls.com, and texted my friends. #boom All that productivity is way out of character for me.

One day last October I wrote about how I was feeling "more balanced" with all the recent changes in my life and I let my guard down and then immediately found myself frustrated and struggling with a common issue with one of the kids. What was wrong with me?

It is downright depressing to read back over the last 15 months of journaling. What a dark, hard, struggling year it has been. A lot of it has been in a very dark place. But every once in a while, I read over it to remind me of how far God has brought me. How He has ever so graciously drawn me gently to Himself. When I am discouraged and feeling like I will never ever learn my lesson, I can look back and see, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW. You are working in my life. You are indeed changing me. From the inside out. Perhaps I am not a lost cause after all.

So what about this balance? It's a joke. We all have titles, jobs, roles that are on us. And so often we read/hear/preach about finding that balance we as try to be married/work/keep our house clean/exercise/parent youngins/have friends/have a hobby/read our Bible/serve at church/invest in our neighbors/keep a good attitude/eat healthy/get adequate sleep.

Who in the world can BALANCE all that? I know I can't. And then, when I am exhausted of trying to do it all so well and I'm failing at it, it's like IF ONLY I COULD FIND SOME BALANCE.

Hogwash.

You know what I need my scales to be tipped dramatically in the direction of? An intimate walk with Jesus. Seriously. Not trying to be religious here. All that other stuff is great. Man, do I know that a night out with some friends and sleeping enough at night and a house free of clutter can do some good things for me. But it doesn't actually fix anything. You know what actually soothes my tired soul? Knowing that I don't have to work to be loved and accepted. Promises of truth to focus on when my feelings are all jacked up.

I want not equal balance of Christ and this world, but all Christ. Chasing Him whole-heartedly as He fills in the gaps of the rest. Because there will always be gaps.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Birthday #5 in Pictures

The actual birthday started out with cinnamon rolls (Kate's request) and cinnamon toast (Spencer's request).  Then we opened presents from Mommy and Daddy. Kate got a horse and Barbie and Spencer got a game and a monster truck.

Oh wait, Kate you have another present!

We are getting your ears pierced today! (Her response, "OH YAY!!! I've been waiting for this!!")

The little man (who tucks in all his shirts these days - hilarious) is trying out his remote control truck.  Please excuse the Christmas boxes waiting for their trip to the attic.

Then we used our new membership to the children's museum.  It is so fun. We had fun playing in moon dough....

Painting a giant wall....

Making "machines" as Spencer called it...

Tap dancing and dress up to their own song and dance...

We came home and put the littlest man to bed.  Daddy and Spencer played several games of Sequence, Junior (Daddy lost) and the girls went to the mall.

Kate did not even flinch when she got her ears done! I couldn't believe it. What a big girl!

When we got back, Ella tried out her Easy Bake oven from Christmas...and made birthday cupcakes to share with her brothers and sister!

We had pizza for dinner (by request of both birthday kids) and ice cream for dessert (I am 37 weeks pregnant and copped out on birthday cake since I made 2 for the birthday party 2 weeks ago...)

It was a super fun day and now Kate and Spencer like to tell everyone, "I'M FIVE NOW!"