Another confession: I am a control freak.
Like not in the must-have-everything-in-order, clean-freak type way. Like, I want everything-to-go-according-to-plan-and-there-must-be-a-plan-or-I-hyperventilate kind of way.
Yeah, yeah. It's laughable, as I think through our adoption journey, how we ended up here planting a church, and the fact I have 5 children ages 7 and under that I still have a need for control at all. There is basically ZERO that I actually have control over. (But really perceived control is almost like actual control, right?)
Basically nothing in my "life plan" has panned out. And for that - I am thankful - but that doesn't mean it has been easy.
Once upon a time I thought I was flexible and hospitable and able to roll with the punches. Well, turns out that is a big fat lie and I like plans, lists, quiet, and controlled chaos more than I thought. Please try to stifle your laughter if you know me at all. There is no control - just chaos, some wonderful, some not - in my life. I battle serious anxiety and fear in regards to my children and controlling their every aspect of life. Sending them to school is terrifying because they are learning and listening to things that are beyond my scope of power. I battle this every.single.day. What they hear. The words they use. What they do when I can't see. How they will handle peer pressure. Who they want to be like. How they view "cool." Making good decisions.
When we moved to this city, part of the vision for planting a church involved living where we were planting. Opening our lives and home to ministry and living our life rhythms with others as we walk our God story. We have and are doing that and MAN it is hard for me. So much harder than I ever thought it would be. In my mind, I loved planning parties and having friends and I wanted my house to be "THE house" where the kids' friends would come. (I still think this is wise but it may be more related to control than anything!) I did not know how much it would stretch me. I suppose our house and kids have more "rules" than others (I prefer to use the word structure) and I do not apologize for that. It is what my kids need and it is what I need. So when I open my home to others who don't operate in my little need-for-control world, it is almost like I begin to panic. The Lord is working on that in me by making me live my actual life, dangit.
There is a group of adolescent boys (and sometimes their younger siblings) that we run into often around the neighborhood. They are polite and usually attend our outreach events. They know Stuart by name but neither of us have met any adults in their lives. They came to the backyard bible club a mission team came in and hosted and had a blast playing baseball with the volunteers. They really enjoyed themselves at the crawfish boil that night and the next day they showed up on our front stoop wanting more food and more games. We considered that a blessing - anytime someone goes out of their way to come to YOU, I am learning, that is huge. We didn't have any leftovers at that point (us and another couple spent hours shelling every crawfish that was left to freeze the meat and I had the crawfish splinter to prove it) but Stu invited them to RC's (our church plant we moved here to start) bible study that night. The boys said they couldn't come because the school where we meet is outside their "approved boundaries" set by their mamas.
"Okay." Stuart said. "What if one night I make some food you guys could come here and eat and we'll do bible study together at the house?"
They agreed. He got a phone number of one of the "leaders" (you know in groups there is always one that everyone else defaults to - and in this case, he turns 13 today).
That Thursday rolled around and at the last minute he got a text they weren't going to be able to make it.
Thursday rolled around again and prayers were answered and they were coming. And right at 5 pm, our doorbell rang and 5 boys ages 5-14 were ready for food and bible study.
Immediately, my children turned into their normal attention-starved lunatics and act like no one has every paid a bit of attention to them in their life, which is lovely. This is how it is every time there is someone around. Which makes a ministry-filled life super exciting. And by exciting I mean it is incredibly annoying and I need to learn to laugh at it a little more. The other boys spot the xbox and want to play. Stuart is trying to finish grilling dinner and I can feel the heart palpitations begin. I take the baby and sit in my quiet bedroom and ask God to quiet the fears that my children are going to grow up and do whatever it takes to be "cool" and get attention than what I have taught them. My honest-to-goodness thoughts at that moment. And then I take a deep breath and walk back out there.
Do you know how God showed me grace in that moment?
Most of my fears about the kids' futures surround Ella. I think that is two-fold: she is the oldest and I have had the least amount of time pouring into her foundation, since she came into our family at age 5. Anyway, she walked up to me as I finishing up making plates of chicken wings and corn on the cob (what else is better for a bunch of boys) and instead of joining the party and trying to get everyone to pay attention to her she said, "Mom, is there anything I can help you with?" At that moment, I could have cried. It would not have been bad for her to be playing Just Dance with the others. That would have been fine. My fears are pretty much irrational and I know that, but it doesn't make them go away. It is something the Lord has to change in me. At that moment, it was like the Holy Spirit was saying, "Jenny. I see your fears. You have no need to fear when you are Mine. I am in control and I will work everything out for your good and for her good, too."
That little moment of grace allowed me to enjoy the rest of my night. I rested in that promise, whooped the boys in Just Dance (I still hold the crown in this house), sang Happy Birthday to Carlos, had reading time and Legos with my kids while the big boys did bible study, and rested in His provision of grace for the day.
Does that mean all my fears are forever squashed? No. I have to lay these struggles down before Jesus day in and day out. I would be unwise to think that because one time God showed up and my eyes (and heart) were prepared to receive His gift of grace in that moment that I don't have to actively continue seeking Him. The enemy would love me to be tricked to believe that I am bigger than my struggles. The world also teaches that. But that's not true - I am not bigger or stronger than my weaknesses. That is an incomplete statement. I am bigger and stronger, more than a conqueror, only in Christ alone. Abiding, dwelling, living and having my being in Christ alone is what makes me able to tap into the same strength that raised Jesus from the dead. Apart from that I am a fearful and anxious mess.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
The Time Someone Told Me I Sounded African
For the record, I am not African. The grand total of time I have spent in Africa is 9 days, and that was to pick up our son and daughter. I have red auburn hair and freckles.
Today I took the kids to a park and splashpad here in town. They immediately ran to these super awesome swings where multiple kids can sit on one, so Ella (the oldest) was pushing the other three. A lady walked up to me and I could smell it on her that she was itching to ask questions. (You just start to know when someone wants to ask something.) So I made eye contact with her and smiled to let her know, "Hey, it's okay, I won't bite," and she read my signals correctly.
"Where are you from?"
I was confused. I'm used to more of the "where are THEY from," "are you a foster parent," "are they all yours," variety. "Me? Or my children?" I said.
"Yes, you."
"Um, well originally I am from Kentucky."
She looked confused. Which was right in line with what I felt.
"Well, what about them?" She pointed in the general direction of the kids.
"Well, two of my children were born in the Congo."
"OH." She said. "And have you spent a lot of time there?"
"Um...in Africa? I mean, I spent about nine days there."
"Oh, ok. You just sound like you have spent considerable time in Africa." She just kept going, and I just kept being confused. "Your children, do they still have accents?"
"Yes, a little, I suppose. I don't really notice too much."
"Maybe they've rubbed off on you. You sound like you are from Congo."
OKAY. I have heard a lot of weird things in my day, but that one was a first.
She did go one to say how beautiful my family was, which I thanked her for because many don't say that, and she replied with "people are people," and then moved on about her day.
Let me know if my accent gets too thick and you need translation. I'm also a professional translator.
Today I took the kids to a park and splashpad here in town. They immediately ran to these super awesome swings where multiple kids can sit on one, so Ella (the oldest) was pushing the other three. A lady walked up to me and I could smell it on her that she was itching to ask questions. (You just start to know when someone wants to ask something.) So I made eye contact with her and smiled to let her know, "Hey, it's okay, I won't bite," and she read my signals correctly.
"Where are you from?"
I was confused. I'm used to more of the "where are THEY from," "are you a foster parent," "are they all yours," variety. "Me? Or my children?" I said.
"Yes, you."
"Um, well originally I am from Kentucky."
She looked confused. Which was right in line with what I felt.
"Well, what about them?" She pointed in the general direction of the kids.
"Well, two of my children were born in the Congo."
"OH." She said. "And have you spent a lot of time there?"
"Um...in Africa? I mean, I spent about nine days there."
"Oh, ok. You just sound like you have spent considerable time in Africa." She just kept going, and I just kept being confused. "Your children, do they still have accents?"
"Yes, a little, I suppose. I don't really notice too much."
"Maybe they've rubbed off on you. You sound like you are from Congo."
OKAY. I have heard a lot of weird things in my day, but that one was a first.
She did go one to say how beautiful my family was, which I thanked her for because many don't say that, and she replied with "people are people," and then moved on about her day.
Let me know if my accent gets too thick and you need translation. I'm also a professional translator.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Good Job, Mama
Good job, Mama.
You got up today.
You fed your kids. (I do not care if it was pop tarts and cheez-its or organic carrots and blueberry spinach smoothies.)
You showed up.
Good job.
You weren't perfect, but you pressed on.
Remember, your imperfection is not going to scar your children. IN FACT, it is what God will use to draw them to Himself. He is the perfect one. If you were perfect, you could be their savior - and then what would be their need for Jesus?
Good job, mama.
You got out of bed. You read another book even when your head hurt.
You disciplined that kid even though you didn't want to.
You went to work even though you didn't want to.
You left a crying toddler at the babysitter's because you had to.
You washed (some of) the dishes that had been there a few days.
You were touched and talked to from 6 am to 9 pm.
Good job, mama.
You bucked car seats ninety seven times.
You replaced that band-aid three times.
You listened to the Frozen soundtrack seven times.
You are doing good.
You apologized when you messed up.
You made your children apologize when they messed up.
You gave yourself a timeout before you did something that would need an apology later.
That's pretty stinkin' awesome.
You did your best. That's good enough. In fact, it's incredible.
You were made for just your life. It's obvious.
You died to yourself today. You laid down what you wanted in exchange to serve someone other than you. That is not natural - that is Jesus working in you.
That's kinda great.
You are fighting the good fight. You are doing a good work.
Keep it up.
Good job, Mama.
You got up today.
You fed your kids. (I do not care if it was pop tarts and cheez-its or organic carrots and blueberry spinach smoothies.)
You showed up.
Good job.
You weren't perfect, but you pressed on.
Remember, your imperfection is not going to scar your children. IN FACT, it is what God will use to draw them to Himself. He is the perfect one. If you were perfect, you could be their savior - and then what would be their need for Jesus?
Good job, mama.
You got out of bed. You read another book even when your head hurt.
You disciplined that kid even though you didn't want to.
You went to work even though you didn't want to.
You left a crying toddler at the babysitter's because you had to.
You washed (some of) the dishes that had been there a few days.
You were touched and talked to from 6 am to 9 pm.
Good job, mama.
You bucked car seats ninety seven times.
You replaced that band-aid three times.
You listened to the Frozen soundtrack seven times.
You are doing good.
You apologized when you messed up.
You made your children apologize when they messed up.
You gave yourself a timeout before you did something that would need an apology later.
That's pretty stinkin' awesome.
You did your best. That's good enough. In fact, it's incredible.
You were made for just your life. It's obvious.
You died to yourself today. You laid down what you wanted in exchange to serve someone other than you. That is not natural - that is Jesus working in you.
That's kinda great.
You are fighting the good fight. You are doing a good work.
Keep it up.
Good job, Mama.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Watching Out for Nets
It was 7:15 am. I had been up for about an hour - the baby woke up early, so I fed him and he was already back asleep. No one else was up yet so I made myself a yummy pumpkin chai (I do not even care if it is June - I love pumpkin year round) and sat at the kitchen table with my bible to do my quiet time. Rare. So very rare. My quiet time when it is actually quiet. First thing in the morning.
Starting a proverb a day today - so Proverbs 1 it is. 7:18 am. I hear the first footsteps. The oldest is up. She sees me at the table and instead of playing upstairs like she would if I wasn't up yet, she asks if she can come down. I tell her only if she is quiet and she joins me with some coloring at the table.
Then, every few minutes, another set of footsteps pitter patter down the upstairs hall and join. Soon my "quiet" time has gained 4 additional bodies who are anything but quiet, even at 7:24 in the morning. But dang it, I have my chai, I'm in a chair, I'm doing it, even if I have to plug my ears. I can't make it through all of Proverbs 1 because I'm especially hung up on a few verses I want to sit in my heart today. For some reason, I feel like I'm gonna need all the wisdom I can get.
Proverbs 1: 7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."
Well. The Lord knows I desire knowledge - because basically every day I'm all like I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING IN THIS CRAZY LIFE and be actin' a fool more often than I will admit to you, kind reader.
I continue.
Proverbs 1:10 "My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent."
The sinners that came to mind here were not the four little people that had interrupted my precious time. (Though sinners, they are. Bless their little hearts.) Instead, God brought to mind the things the enemy uses, my weak spots, to entice me. My "sinners" that often entice me are jealousy, self-deprecation, selfishness, laziness, pride. These result in impatience, anger, judgment of others, isolation, fear, lack of prayer, lack of faith, and sadness. I feel like I have learned A LOT about myself over these last 18 months. But as a wise teacher once shared with me, "Introspection is not change." Just because I know these areas of weaknesses about myself doesn't actually change anything by itself. Only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit and continual communion with God will change occur. I confess that so often I know my own triggers, I know what gets me, I know what makes me feel crappy and then when I'm already in the pit I'm like, "Yep. Seems just like me."
Enter: I want to watch out for the net.
Proverbs 1: 17 "For in vain is a net spread in the sight of any bird."
I didn't get this at first. But after reading some commentary and the revelation God laid on my own heart, it clicked. I WANT TO SEE THE NET BEFORE IT TRAPS ME. Because if I see the net, call it a net, then like any wise ol' bird I will avoid it. The enemy is setting that net in vain because why I would I willingly trap myself? If I have knowledge of the things that separate me from my Lord (the "sinners that entice" me) then I can head the other direction - into the arms of my Jesus who saves me. To the One who has provided victory over the very things that desire to swallow me whole.
So I challenge you, as I am challenging myself, to think about what are the things that entice you most, distract you from the fullness of life Jesus promises and provides for you? I've shared some of mine with you here. Examine your own heart and pray that God would give you eyes to see the nets the enemy may try to trap you in. Then pray for wisdom to see those nets, so that they might be set in vain, so that you can head the other way.
Right after I finished my reading time, and these verses were fresh on my heart, I had a chance to practice net spotting. My selfishness and laziness nets were waiting for me, like bait on a hook, and praise the Lord He helped me spot them before I pulled a Jenny and stepped right in. His Word was living and active in my life at that moment. I wish it was a one-time fix and now this problem is solved, but you all know as well as I do this is a on-going process. Sanctification, becoming more like Jesus, never will end this side of glory.
Starting a proverb a day today - so Proverbs 1 it is. 7:18 am. I hear the first footsteps. The oldest is up. She sees me at the table and instead of playing upstairs like she would if I wasn't up yet, she asks if she can come down. I tell her only if she is quiet and she joins me with some coloring at the table.
Then, every few minutes, another set of footsteps pitter patter down the upstairs hall and join. Soon my "quiet" time has gained 4 additional bodies who are anything but quiet, even at 7:24 in the morning. But dang it, I have my chai, I'm in a chair, I'm doing it, even if I have to plug my ears. I can't make it through all of Proverbs 1 because I'm especially hung up on a few verses I want to sit in my heart today. For some reason, I feel like I'm gonna need all the wisdom I can get.
Proverbs 1: 7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."
Well. The Lord knows I desire knowledge - because basically every day I'm all like I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING IN THIS CRAZY LIFE and be actin' a fool more often than I will admit to you, kind reader.
I continue.
Proverbs 1:10 "My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent."
The sinners that came to mind here were not the four little people that had interrupted my precious time. (Though sinners, they are. Bless their little hearts.) Instead, God brought to mind the things the enemy uses, my weak spots, to entice me. My "sinners" that often entice me are jealousy, self-deprecation, selfishness, laziness, pride. These result in impatience, anger, judgment of others, isolation, fear, lack of prayer, lack of faith, and sadness. I feel like I have learned A LOT about myself over these last 18 months. But as a wise teacher once shared with me, "Introspection is not change." Just because I know these areas of weaknesses about myself doesn't actually change anything by itself. Only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit and continual communion with God will change occur. I confess that so often I know my own triggers, I know what gets me, I know what makes me feel crappy and then when I'm already in the pit I'm like, "Yep. Seems just like me."
Enter: I want to watch out for the net.
Proverbs 1: 17 "For in vain is a net spread in the sight of any bird."
I didn't get this at first. But after reading some commentary and the revelation God laid on my own heart, it clicked. I WANT TO SEE THE NET BEFORE IT TRAPS ME. Because if I see the net, call it a net, then like any wise ol' bird I will avoid it. The enemy is setting that net in vain because why I would I willingly trap myself? If I have knowledge of the things that separate me from my Lord (the "sinners that entice" me) then I can head the other direction - into the arms of my Jesus who saves me. To the One who has provided victory over the very things that desire to swallow me whole.
So I challenge you, as I am challenging myself, to think about what are the things that entice you most, distract you from the fullness of life Jesus promises and provides for you? I've shared some of mine with you here. Examine your own heart and pray that God would give you eyes to see the nets the enemy may try to trap you in. Then pray for wisdom to see those nets, so that they might be set in vain, so that you can head the other way.
Right after I finished my reading time, and these verses were fresh on my heart, I had a chance to practice net spotting. My selfishness and laziness nets were waiting for me, like bait on a hook, and praise the Lord He helped me spot them before I pulled a Jenny and stepped right in. His Word was living and active in my life at that moment. I wish it was a one-time fix and now this problem is solved, but you all know as well as I do this is a on-going process. Sanctification, becoming more like Jesus, never will end this side of glory.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Truth Time
Okay, here goes.
Sometimes my kids annoy me.
There. I said it.
That thing we all think and then feel terrible about it because surely a good mom - a GODLY mom - would never ever think that.
If that is the case, you can go ahead and call me (because I call myself this) #worldsokayestmom
And if I take this truth further...I have five children....someone is always "off" or having a day or a crisis or going through a season of being exceptionally annoying so sometimes it feels like I am correcting and discipling and fussing and being annoyed all.the.time.
I'm working on it. :)
Judge me if you care to. (Which, by the way, is annoying too.)
The most annoying one at the moment shall remain nameless. That particular child is at an annoying age right now. There are SO.MANY.QUESTIONS and opinions and instructions that I have said no less than nine million times and I am human and can only handle so much before steam begins to come out of my ears.
So often I do not handle this well. It is evident by my tone or the deep breath I have to take before I respond (so I don't lose it) that I am annoyed. This particular child does not pick up on these cues (heaven help him/her). I am constantly (and I mean multiple times a day) asking God for more patience because this SURELY is outside of my own human capability.
What about you? What do you do when you are getting particularly *annoyed* by a small human - or anyone you love?
Sometimes my kids annoy me.
There. I said it.
That thing we all think and then feel terrible about it because surely a good mom - a GODLY mom - would never ever think that.
If that is the case, you can go ahead and call me (because I call myself this) #worldsokayestmom
And if I take this truth further...I have five children....someone is always "off" or having a day or a crisis or going through a season of being exceptionally annoying so sometimes it feels like I am correcting and discipling and fussing and being annoyed all.the.time.
I'm working on it. :)
Judge me if you care to. (Which, by the way, is annoying too.)
The most annoying one at the moment shall remain nameless. That particular child is at an annoying age right now. There are SO.MANY.QUESTIONS and opinions and instructions that I have said no less than nine million times and I am human and can only handle so much before steam begins to come out of my ears.
So often I do not handle this well. It is evident by my tone or the deep breath I have to take before I respond (so I don't lose it) that I am annoyed. This particular child does not pick up on these cues (heaven help him/her). I am constantly (and I mean multiple times a day) asking God for more patience because this SURELY is outside of my own human capability.
What about you? What do you do when you are getting particularly *annoyed* by a small human - or anyone you love?
Monday, June 2, 2014
I Feeled God
We were sitting at the dinner table last week when all of a sudden Kate stops and very dramatically proclaims: "MOMMY. I feeled Jesus."
I'm sorry. What?
"I FEELED GOD. Right here next to me. I just reached out and feeled His belly."
And Josiah, a 3 year old boy of few (coherent) words, looks at me with his eyes bugged out and says, "That's not good."
It got me to thinking. WHAT IF WE COULD REACH OUT AND TOUCH JESUS ANYTIME WE WANTED? Like, tangibly feel his skin on our fingertips.
Ahhhhh. I wish.
Christian, have you ever had a dry spell? Like where it felt like your prayers were falling on deaf ears? You wondered if God even heard you at all? Did He fall asleep listening to you whine and pout? Did He walk away to deal with others with more "pressing" issues? You longed to lift up your hands in worship but you just weren't...feeling it?
No? Just me then? Okay.
I worked at a Christian summer camp for two summers in college as a bible study and recreation leader. It was so much fun and a crazy cool job and changed my ever-lovin' life. Seriously. God was moving and shaking and wrecking kids' worlds (and staffers too!) and I had front row seats to it all. But there was a period of time when I just didn't FEEL Jesus. I knew He was there - crap, there was testimony that was undeniable in so many lives - but for me personally, the emotional feeling was missing. I was able to sit in powerful worship services every.single.night. and not feel Him. I prayed and prayed for Him to show up REAL in my life. Like, if I could reach out and feel His belly, that'd be great.
Weeks and weeks went by. Nothing. I clung to my bible, reading through Jeremiah, trusting this season would end and on the other side, I would feel Him again. And you know what, I did.
In the 10+ years since that summer, there have many seasons where God is so real and tangible and my heart is stirring and my faith is strong and the tears flow in response. And then there are seasons where all I can do is trust that His word is true and put one foot in front of the other in faith, and in faith alone. My emotions, or my feelings, do not change His presence in my life. His intimate, never-ceasing, completely enveloping presence in my life. He is there, all the time, whether my emotions agree or not.
I pray I can believe that today. I pray it for you as well.
I'm sorry. What?
"I FEELED GOD. Right here next to me. I just reached out and feeled His belly."
And Josiah, a 3 year old boy of few (coherent) words, looks at me with his eyes bugged out and says, "That's not good."
It got me to thinking. WHAT IF WE COULD REACH OUT AND TOUCH JESUS ANYTIME WE WANTED? Like, tangibly feel his skin on our fingertips.
Ahhhhh. I wish.
Christian, have you ever had a dry spell? Like where it felt like your prayers were falling on deaf ears? You wondered if God even heard you at all? Did He fall asleep listening to you whine and pout? Did He walk away to deal with others with more "pressing" issues? You longed to lift up your hands in worship but you just weren't...feeling it?
No? Just me then? Okay.
I worked at a Christian summer camp for two summers in college as a bible study and recreation leader. It was so much fun and a crazy cool job and changed my ever-lovin' life. Seriously. God was moving and shaking and wrecking kids' worlds (and staffers too!) and I had front row seats to it all. But there was a period of time when I just didn't FEEL Jesus. I knew He was there - crap, there was testimony that was undeniable in so many lives - but for me personally, the emotional feeling was missing. I was able to sit in powerful worship services every.single.night. and not feel Him. I prayed and prayed for Him to show up REAL in my life. Like, if I could reach out and feel His belly, that'd be great.
Weeks and weeks went by. Nothing. I clung to my bible, reading through Jeremiah, trusting this season would end and on the other side, I would feel Him again. And you know what, I did.
In the 10+ years since that summer, there have many seasons where God is so real and tangible and my heart is stirring and my faith is strong and the tears flow in response. And then there are seasons where all I can do is trust that His word is true and put one foot in front of the other in faith, and in faith alone. My emotions, or my feelings, do not change His presence in my life. His intimate, never-ceasing, completely enveloping presence in my life. He is there, all the time, whether my emotions agree or not.
I pray I can believe that today. I pray it for you as well.
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