It's Time for a New Song

I just can't decide about blogging.  

I can't decide if I want to take time to put myself (and our family) out there. I can't decide if I have the energy to give it any effort. 

But then I know we live far away from any of our family and our long time friends.  I know that God has and is doing a work in me that is just deep and rich and I want (and need!) to process these things and share with others. I know that I see a craving from others for authenticity and grace. I know that I want to share God's faithfulness in my own life shouting from the rooftops. 

I do not have it all together.  In fact, most days I find myself feeling so insecure that I have NOTHING together. But I also want an outlet. A way to process what He is teaching me.  A way to document the chaos that is our life: the good and the bad.  The funny things my kids say.  A new baby coming.

I have spent the better part of the past year in anxious toil, in fear and discouragement, pouring deep into the pages of my bible waiting on a word.  Learning I have walls built up and wondering how in the heck I can begin to break those down. Longing for authentic relationships in my new city and getting a taste of the depth and ugliness of my own sin. Wondering how in creation a Savior could love someone like me. In my selfishness, doubt, anger, drifting...how God could yet still be pleased with me.  Dumbfounded, really. As the kids are saying (typing) these days: SMH.

And...yet.

It's time for a new song. The fear, the sadness, the short fuse, the regret, the shame. I'm done with you. Or rather, my victorious Jesus is done with you in me.  Little by little He is breaking down walls of unforgiveness and anger and building up joy, contentment, grace. Slowly. It's coming.

I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
psalm 40:1-3