A Brother's Duty

When I was in the ninth grade, my big brother was a senior. He has always been one of my very favorite people in the whole world, and he worked to protect me from meanies, bullies, and the like all throughout my childhood.  He was one of the captains of the football team and also was on the wrestling team. He was salutatorian of his class and highly respected by teachers and students alike. A pretty swell guy, if I do say.

Well, at this tender age of 14, I had for some reason been hanging out with a not-so-great boy who was two years older.  Got that? He was 16. He had a car. ('Nuff said.) Anyway, I liked him for a bit, but then it didn't take long to realize (I may have been 14 but I did have a little sense) he was, how do I say it? A punk.

One night I had a friend over and this dude would not leave me alone. I hadn't been hanging out with him for a while, but he felt like he still needed to call and come to my house. I was over it. But I didn't really know how to make him go away when he could drive over anytime he felt like it. That night my brother also had one of his football buddies at the house and I let my big bro know a guy was coming over and I didn't want him to. I sat on the porch with my friend, to try to keep him from ringing the doorbell (and getting me in trouble) and watched dude pull up with his friend. As soon as they started to walk up our front steps, here come the two senior football players around to the front of the house, strolling like they were just talking a walk.

Brother: Hey Jen, you alright?

Me: Yeah we're okay.

My brother and his friend walk to one of their cars parked in front of the house and open the trunk. Out they pull a Louisville Slugger bat and begin to hit it against their hands.

(Walking towards us) Brother: You sure you're alright? Would you like these guys to leave?

Me: yes, I would.

Brother (to dudes): It's time for you go (as he holds a bat).

Any guesses as to what happened? Yeah, they scattered pretty quickly. I don't remember him bothering me much after that.

That's one thing about brothers. They watch out for you when unwanted dudes are pestering you.

So, fast forward 16 years, and my 4 year old b/g twins are in the same class at preschool.  APPARENTLY one day this week, a boy in their class was kissing Kate on the back as they waited in line.  She was not feelin' it.  So what does big brother (by 2 minutes) do? According to him, he stepped in between them, wrapped his arms around his sister and said, "This is NOT your sister. This is MY sister." And that was that. Dude scattered.

It's Time for a New Song

I just can't decide about blogging.  

I can't decide if I want to take time to put myself (and our family) out there. I can't decide if I have the energy to give it any effort. 

But then I know we live far away from any of our family and our long time friends.  I know that God has and is doing a work in me that is just deep and rich and I want (and need!) to process these things and share with others. I know that I see a craving from others for authenticity and grace. I know that I want to share God's faithfulness in my own life shouting from the rooftops. 

I do not have it all together.  In fact, most days I find myself feeling so insecure that I have NOTHING together. But I also want an outlet. A way to process what He is teaching me.  A way to document the chaos that is our life: the good and the bad.  The funny things my kids say.  A new baby coming.

I have spent the better part of the past year in anxious toil, in fear and discouragement, pouring deep into the pages of my bible waiting on a word.  Learning I have walls built up and wondering how in the heck I can begin to break those down. Longing for authentic relationships in my new city and getting a taste of the depth and ugliness of my own sin. Wondering how in creation a Savior could love someone like me. In my selfishness, doubt, anger, drifting...how God could yet still be pleased with me.  Dumbfounded, really. As the kids are saying (typing) these days: SMH.

And...yet.

It's time for a new song. The fear, the sadness, the short fuse, the regret, the shame. I'm done with you. Or rather, my victorious Jesus is done with you in me.  Little by little He is breaking down walls of unforgiveness and anger and building up joy, contentment, grace. Slowly. It's coming.

I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
psalm 40:1-3