Chaos and Grace

I have written before about how we host some neighborhood kids for games, dinner, and bible study on Thursdays.  I also mentioned how much it stretches me- pushes me outside my comfort zone, challenges my need for control, makes me address some fears I have right in the face.  But, as we have been doing this consistently for almost six months, the relationships we are forming with these boys are sweet and authentic.  Just this week alone I finally met three different mamas, which I had never met before.  It was so exciting to see these little men introduce me with pride to their mom, and then to see Mom's face light up when she finally gets to put a face with a name.

The past couple of weeks the number of kids in attendance has really grown.  Word is getting out that our xbox is cool, our food is good, and our family isn't so bad either.  And for the most part, these boys are really sweet and good-hearted boys.  But they are boys.  And when you put, say, FOURTEEN of them in one house playing (that doesn't include our five children we already have) things get chaotic so fast.  I realized...maybe that is why God gave me 5 chaotic kiddos...how else would I be able to deal with 14 additional chaotic ones....

Well.  Last night was extra crazy.  I don't know if it was because it was cold outside so they were all trying to squeeze in our walls or what.  I had to get on them several times about arguing, yelling, listening when I spoke.  Again, they usually do pretty well.  After dinner we were trying to get started with bible study but I knew they had left a mess upstairs.  I told them to go clean up and they all wanted to point fingers on who made the mess.  I think they forgot I AM A MOM and mama don't play that.  I sent them all to help and the next thing I knew Legos were flying over the second story rail downstairs.  Which is a no no around these parts.

Stuart and I already had discussed "consequences" for continual misbehavior or disrespect.  After all, we are opening our home to these boys and expect they treat our home with kindness.  So he sent them all home.  He just told them we had talked to them several times that night about respect and it wasn't happening so we were done for the evening and we would try again next week.

You can imagine that went well.  They weren't so much mad at us (I think most of them knew they were in the wrong and were out of control) but the finger pointing started again.  So much that this one kid got super upset.  He is 9 and VERY active and hard to contain.  He is so incredibly sweet but is usually bouncing off the walls.  He started yelling and crying so I kept him behind so he wasn't released on the neighborhood streets with his temper flaring.

I sat him down and explained that we all mess up.  We all make poor choices.  And then we get up and try again with a clean slate and that is called GRACE.  I told him we would try again next Thursday and no one was angry with him.  That concept of grace was foreign to him. I wanted him to know that even though tonight wasn't ideal, we still care for him deeply and we get to try it again.

Life is messy and full of times we screw it all up and I am so thankful I always get to try it again.  When one of my kids has had a particularly rough day, the last thing I tell them (well, next to last, I suppose "I love you" is the last thing) before bedtime is, "Tomorrow is a new day." God's mercies are new every morning.  I know I need that.  My kids need that. These boys need that.  Every day His mercies are new.  He is and does sustain us through the rest of it all.

The lessons didn't stop there. I had a sweet conversation with my kids after the boys all left about discipline, love, respect, and grace.  They were able to see all of those things we talk so much about outside of their own emotional experiences.  All the things we teach to them separate from their own emotions.  They knew the boys had overstepped their boundaries.  I told them how it was an opportunity to teach grace when many of those boys had never heard that word before.  I pray that through these crazy moments, the Lord continually draws my children to Himself.  That they will open their hearts and their lives to other messy, broken, chaotic people.  Because we are messy, broken, and chaotic and the Lord has been gracious to show us that, in turn, showing us our need for Him.  Our need for grace.  Our need for those new mercies every morning.  Our need for a Savior.

Hungry

I can't explain it. Groanings and longings that are too deep for words.  I try to put language to it, but it always falls short.  So I ramble, on and on, desperate for clarity and understanding. To define this stirring that is happening in the innermost parts of me.  To share with another soul what is going on with my own.

I am hungry.  Hungry for more of God, for more of my Savior, for more of His joy and peace and contentment and self-control. For more of Him reflected in my internal and external life.

It sounds awesome, right? Super holy and put together?

But I am hungry because I am desperate. So incredibly weary of the continuous struggle that seems to be life these days.  These months.  These years.  Hardship after hardship, small and large, inside and outside my skin and bones. My faith is wavering, shaking in the trials, unsteady as I move one step at a time.  I cry out, desperate for God to show me where He is at work, so that I may see Him and move more confidently .

Isn't that the point of hardship? To make us BEG for more of Him? To bring us to the only place we have left, for we are at the end of ourselves?  My cry seems to be on repeat these days, "Lord, I have nothing left!"

Somehow I make it through another day.  

But I have pleaded with Him to take me to a season where it's not just survival, but living full.  Right now I deplete the resources graciously given to me each day and am desperate for a refill when I wake to begin the next one.  Even throughout my waking hours, I sometimes need a jumpstart to my broken down soul.

I am trying to hope.  I am really trying to believe that one day these chapters in my story will be used for something good.  He has something in store for me that is beyond my wildest imagination.  I am really, really trying to camp out there.  But like I said, I am weary, my faith is weak, and my spirit is dry.  Sometimes I feel like my life is a puzzle and I am that last piece that just doesn't fit.  Or I am treading water in a glass box, trying to stay afloat while everyone else is on the outside watching me, living their lives.  Some days I am doing okay, keeping my head up so I can breathe, and other times I am just tired of swimming, of staying in the same place and not getting anywhere, of fighting this fight by myself. Or so it seems.

So I want more Jesus. Oh, I NEED Him so desperately.  Without Him I have no hope, there is no promise, there is nothing to cling to.  All my own resources are gone.  I have nothing to offer but a dry spirit.  

Ps 42:1

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,    for the living God.

Is 55:1

Come, everyone who thirsts,
    come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without price.

Ps 81:10

 I am the Lord your God,
    who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.
    Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

Deut 8:3

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Matt. 5:6

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.